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[03 Mar 2014|02:51pm]
Does anybody still read this?
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[10 Feb 2012|04:15pm]
My first email to the company:

Hello,
I was wondering if you could provide me with a list of classes that Guy
Hasany will be teaching within the next month. I would like to enroll in
the Heartsaver CPR and First Aid course. I looked online, but it doesn't list the course instructor. Thanks.


The company's response:

Dear Brandon,
The next instructor class will take place on March 16, 2012. See below:
BLS Heartsaver Course for Instructors
Please let me know if you have any further questions.


My second email to them:

Thank you for the quick response,
However the class I am interested in signing up for is the Heartsaver
First Aid With CPR & AED. Not the BLS version. My question is
regarding the professional that will be teaching the class, I am only
really interested in signing up for a Heartsaver First Aid with CPR
class if Guy Husany himself will be teaching it. And I was wondering
if you had a schedule of when he will be teaching that specific class.
-Brandon


Their response:

Dear Brandon,
The BLS Instructor Course includes the Heartsaver Instructor certification
and the Core Instructor course. We normally provide this package to allow
the instructor variety of teaching options.

If after all, you will be deciding to take the HeartSaver Instructor and the
Core Instructor course option only, I will have you talk directly with the
instructor. I would appreciate your phone number to allow the instructor
contact you on Monday.


WHAT?

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[20 Dec 2011|02:40am]
Nothing like a good ol' fashioned drilling to make your problems go away.
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But Tell Us How You Really Feel... [21 Nov 2011|02:18am]
I had to update my journal, for the first time in over 7 or 8 months, to say that I just watched the worst movie I have ever seen. I can't even sleep because I have hatred fucking wafting off of me like the stench of rotting flesh. And I need to just sit here, take a minute to calm down so my nightmares don't slit my wrists in my sleep. This movie was an ethereal skullfuck to every storytelling convention that exists. I swear to the curb stomping Gods that if I ever see Kevin Smith in LA, I am going to rage so hard at him my words turn to vomit. I need to go wash my eyes out with some silly shit to reclaim some semblance of sanity.

If I don't wake up tomorrow, Kevin Smith killed me.
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[29 May 2011|01:04pm]
I'll dance dance dance with my hands hands hands above my head head head like Jesus said. I am booty popping all over this room right now. And I don't know how to booty pop, so one could only imagine what that looks like. A mess, I'd say. I can't even with this song right now! Like I wish my life had lyrics this intoxicating.

We are not just art for Michelangelo to carve, he can't rewrite the agro of my furied heart. What the fuck does that shit even MEAN? I can't process the diction of those words when strung together like that. All I know is I don't curr because it sounds sexy. This post is laaaame, so I'm outie.

LOOOOOOOOOOOVEE!
4 comments|post comment

[26 May 2011|02:15pm]
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[24 May 2011|08:17pm]
I am trying to write a post about my fab trip to Mexico. But the ADD kicks in, and I just can't even finish a. There are youtube vidoes to be watched, and news articles to be read, and work to be procrastinated. I remember back in the day when I would write a post on the daily. Like I had this craving and the only way I could scratch it was by writing funny posts on the internet to make people laugh. No idea how the fuck I managed daily entries or the thoughts to support it, possibly all the free time college afforded me.

I look at my archive and read old posts sometimes and I'm like this post got 200 comments, that was a good post. Or this one got 50, gotta try harder next time. And I can't even complete these sentences without rolling my eyes into the back of my chair. Who cares, really. It's as if the twitters and status updates summarize what I want to say now. Sadly I get way more out of randomly updating a Facebook sentence with a blurb than actually sitting down and thinking about an entry. Anyway, this post is dumb and not funny...

But I swear I'll post some deets on my trip before the end of the year! I'll even end this entry with a preposition in lieu of.
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[08 May 2011|11:01pm]
BUT LJ, why u so dead tho?
15 comments|post comment

[21 Mar 2011|06:54pm]
I am going to Mexico in six days and I have pretty much just given up on all work that I need to do! I plan on being drunk 70% of my seven night stay and shirtless for the other 30%. I am packing a speedo because I can get away with it and like four pairs of shoes. Why does a man need four pairs of shoes in Mexico? Because when my first pair get stolen, I'll have three pairs left!

The amount of work that is piling on my computer is about to eat me alive. Especially considering two weeks after I go to Mexico, I am taking another vacation to visit some friends in silicon valley. And right now, I just do not give an F. Instead of working, I am eating ramen, writing this lame entry, listening to Britney Spears, and waiting until my ramen is in my stomach so I can kill zombies.

Focus, bitch!
4 comments|post comment

[04 Feb 2011|05:24pm]
"I won’t phunk with your heart if you promise not to phunk with the English language and still think it really clever when you do. Fergie can purse her lips and quaver her white ass all she wants, but it still won’t be reparation for Let’s Get Retarded. Undeniably, if there’s one thing people want to get, it’s retarded. That jam must be quite the anthem during the ride to school on the short bus."

God, I used to be so clever. What happened.
5 comments|post comment

[01 Feb 2011|04:24pm]
Private entry from [06 Apr 2008|01:55am]



--------------------
Cars should really be able to talk back to stupid drivers.

I was sitting on I-285 this morning in usual Atlanta gridlock freeway traffic. Gwen Stefani was singing about escaping from jail or something. We were stopped for a little more than a minute, which was odd because traffic doesn’t slow past a crawl. This lady, with a Davy Crockett hat on her head (or a really odd placed ponytail) punched her horn behind me.

First off, I have a no honk policy, in which I will only honk at you if your car is merging into my lane and you don’t see me. If someone is stopped at a green light, I normally just wait until they notice. Because when they do, I know they feel sort of dumb about missing the light change. So there’s no need to honk. I find it a bit rude.

The lady honked her horn again causing me to glance back at her in my rearview. I mean, what? Was she expecting my car to grow Inspector Gadget wheels and drive over the car in front of me? Because I don’t have that model. Honking your horn isn’t going to make traffic go faster, sweetie. So a thought came to me, because the only thing I could do in the situation was think about setting her car on fire, but what if her car could talk back to her?

For instance, she beats on her steering wheel and instead of hearing her horn, her car tells her that she’s stupid and she needs to shut up. And that she needs to take that Davy Crockett shit off her head. That would be pretty awesome. Of course, the car would have to gauge the situation and the stupidity of the driver, tracking the amount of close calls, cut-offs, and bad driving. After you reach a maximum stupidity, your car will lock you out and let you know you’re too stupid to drive.

It would make everyone happy because we’d all know the jerk that just cut us off is getting chastised by their car. And speaking of when someone cuts you off, instead of honking, maybe your car could yell a hearty FUCK YOU! How empowering and awesome would that be? Road rage would never be the same.
--------------------


It's amazing what changes in 3 years. No longer do I live in shithole Georgia. I honk my horn ALL the time in California.
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[31 Jan 2011|01:35pm]


I guess it is time to hit the east coast, huh.


Utah wins the award for the most boring state ever. Nebraska wins the award for lamest excuse to receive a traffic ticket. A cop pulled me over for following my roommate's car too closely. I have nothing good to say or remember from any of the southern states I've visited besides Florida. Georgia is a shithole. Illinois is lovely. Ohio is good for driving through. Michigan is my homegurl. Colorado is one of the most breathtakingly gorgeous states I've been to. The Denver skyline and snow covered mountains make me wish I owned skis. Virginia Beach was fun from what I remember.
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[03 Oct 2010|04:30pm]
I have been avoiding drama like the bubonic plague. And when bitches around me start sneezing, I start running and popping Vitamin C tabs. After my last roommate situation where my best friends from college basically told me to go sleep on the curb, I said Brandon, you are way too old, too intelligent to let adversity and cat-people bring you down. Haters are gonna hate, Brandons are not going to think about it anymore. (To steal a line from the wonderful Kristen).

So when my landlord came over to the house at the same time my roommate was having her book club get-together, I closed my door and turned on the TV. A fight in real life? Uhh - I'd rather watch it on the Shore. Long backstory short, our AC has been super funky and if you follow LA weather, you'd know that Hades has been walking around like he owns the place. And it's one of those classic movie tropes where whenever someone comes to check out the problem, the problem never presents itself.

This match is something that's been building between the roommates and the landlord for a little over a month, and I've just been sitting in my room, side eyeing everything through the crack in my door. So these so called ladies get in a ring, roommate on the left, landlord on the right, my bedroom door in the middle like I look good in whistles and black and white stripes. And they start going at it, about the AC, about all the emails and calls the roommates (not me, mind you) have been sending. Hair flips are flipping, indexes are pointing.

And then the landlord knocks on my door and asks me how I feel about the book club meeting. Honestly? Why are you trying to drag me through the mud with you? I'm already black. So I'm stuttering and throwing up an offense as good as the Detroit Lions. But you know how that ends, I slip eventually. And my answer was a total bad case of semantics and it lit a jumbo firecracker under the landlord and she just started screaming at my roommate. So I closed my door again, grabbed some Vitamin C, and went through the motherfucking window.
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UC Suckeley [08 Jun 2010|08:22pm]
The University of California, Berkeley sucks. Forget your learned expectations and its reputation, I've honestly seen better shithole communities in the Detroit landfill. The university is a dump and the city of Berkeley is a pothole on the road to anywhere else. Homeless people and hippies litter the streets like trash. Dogs everywhere. Whatever the hippies are smoking is a welcome smell to the skunk emanating from their person.

The campus is disgusting. The dorms are smaller than the girth of my penis. Annoying one way streets and traffic circles are annoying. Their football stadium is a joke. It looks like someone rubbed feces on the walls of the Coliseum. The campus look like a puzzle that was forced together with the wrong pieces. Every building has a different design and structure, nothing is uniform.

I'm still trying to understand where the school's high reputation comes from.

And the students -- you can't tell the difference between them and homeless people. Most likely because the homeless were once the esteemed students of the university and after they came to the slow fuck of a realization that they earned a degree from a shit school, they perched their butts on the streets of Berkeley and haven't moved since.

Beer costs eight bucks at the so called college bar. I could get a pitcher of beer for five bucks at any bar surrounding my university. Not to mention I had some choice names yelled at me as I was walking down Telegraph with my friends. Every stupid person you have met in your life is pulled into one human being at UC Berkeley; they unhinge their jaws and suck out all of the stupid from everything and Sarah Palin in one fell swoop.

The dumb teenager who can't add two plus two, he's a rocket engineer now. The bitch who never stops talking in class, she works PR for BP now. The racist grandma who thinks she's still in 1942, she's dead. George Bush, president AGAIN 2012. All because people at UC Berkeley suck the stupid out of the world.

So I'm just going to sit in my prison dorm for the next few days foaming at the mouth and trying not to take a chunk out of anyone's shoulder to give them the rabies I have been secretly harboring for such an occasion. Oh and to the people who thought my friend was wearing Berkeley's school colors and yelled "Go Bears!"

Go fuck yourselves.
15 comments|post comment

[03 Jun 2010|06:53pm]
Does Mary Louise Parker age? Girl is pushing half a century and she still looks hot as hail! And I mean hail as in something that falls with the force and quantity of a GOD. Go, right now, google a picture of this fine ass human specimen, I'm not even going to do it for you because I'm pretty sure this post would explode.

Alright, so if you haven't guessed it, I'm a huge fan of Weeds. I just watched the season six promo with one hand on my mouse and the other hand on my mouse. I think maybe a big part of my love for Mary Jane (double entendre INTENDED) is in Nancy Botwin, the homely white suburban dope sellin' mother of two.

I watched seasons one through five in a two week span in April and if you haven't, I suggest you do the same. It's a great ensemble cast, seasons four and five aren't as amazing as the first three, hopefully this upcoming season can instill the flair and wit that made me fall in love with it in the first place. Plus it's a show about WEED, what the fuck is wrong with you if aren't already all over this? I don't even smoke weed and this show makes me want to smoke weed.

If my current relationship doesn't work out, I'm shotgunning Mary Louise in a ceremony to be held on the roof of the Scientology museum in Hollywood.
11 comments|post comment

[02 Jun 2010|09:25pm]
So annoyed.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Let’s blame Obama for his lack of aggressive rallying against the foul, evil Satanists that want to destroy mother Gaia over at that British Petroleum company. Every fucking article or biased CNN news story that I hear states that America hates Obama, and points the finger at him because he isn’t licking the fucking oil off of dead seagulls on the beach.

And the comparisons saying that this is Obama’s Katrina?

What form of crack are you people SMOKING because I would like some of it so I can get as high as you and come up with the most insane troll logic to point my dirt encrusted fingernails at. And maybe, maybe some of the marine life out there might want to get high as well to forget that we are destroying their habitat little by little on a daily basis.

Bush waited five days before doing anything. FIVE DAYS. How does that compare to Obama’s, oh he's too passive, response? How? What exactly will Obama speaking out loud and proud and rallying the public actually do to help stop the oil spill? Unless there’s a physics rocket scientist out there who's hard of hearing, Obama yelling through your TV won’t do SHIT.

Maybe in the aftermath, him gathering word and support would be a good start to help clean up this mess, put the blame where it belongs, and prevent this from happening in the future. But our primary focus should be on the immediate shutdown of the thousands and thousands of gallons spilling into the ocean. I hate how political this is gotten, I hate the blame game, let’s be proactive and solve this.

I hate you all.
10 comments|post comment

[02 Jun 2010|05:09pm]
One of my roommate's is this sweet thirty something aged, soft spoken woman, who is completely nice. For the past month, she's been inviting me to classes and meetings with people in the production industry. It is a great opportunity to network and she just came home today stating a friend of hers, who is a commercial director, was looking forward to meeting me this past meeting.

As an unemployed person looking for a production job, you would think I'd be all over this and sucking whatever opportunity I can get out of it. What's keeping me at bay is her religious belief in Buddhism. I can't really discern if she's trying to recruit me to her group meetings under the guise of job networking when every fiber of my being is telling me it's about Buddhism.

She keeps handing me books and pamphlets and beginner's guide to everything I need to know about Buddha, without ever asking what my opinion is on the matter. Everyone is born into a religion. You are what your parents are. Some stay the course, some deviate. I wouldn't call myself Christian these days, but maybe spiritual or agnostic.

There are many things I believe in, just given the way I was raised. I believe in God, I believe in some form of afterlife. But that's about as far as it goes. I don't strive to be religious, nor do I want to feel like I'm being pressured to pay respect to someone else's religion. Especially in my home, my place of comfort.
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[31 May 2010|04:18pm]
I have three journals... Hmm. I can't decide which of the three I want to move forward with.
4 comments|post comment

[07 Apr 2010|07:56pm]
Four. Hour. CPR class.

I mean, there are a lot of things I'd rather be doing. My fuck buddy, for instance. My taxes. I'd rather be sitting in traffic on the 405. I don't think anything strikes as much fear in my bones than four hour CPR class. Honestly, I didn't even have college classes that lasted longer than two hours.

But four hours?

If at the end of the class you see me dead on the ground, you better know what to do.

When you work with kids, it is imperative that you are certified. So every year for the last four years (there's that number again), I sign up for training under the great American Red Cross. However, for that nobody cares about I signed up for an American Heart Association class. And um

BEST FOUR HOUR CPR CLASS EVER.

Holy. It was hands on-immediately, no bullshit, and no stupid fucking exams at the end. That caught my 'this is amazing' meter off-guard. No exam? For the first time in four years, I actually learned something in a CPR class that was beyond common sense. I also learned a lot of random facts about Los Angeles.

It took about three hours and thirty minutes to complete the CPR training and because I liked the class and instructor so much, I stayed the full four hours and took the First Aid class as well. Talk about a turn around. Not to mention now I am certified for two years instead of the one year Red Cross offers.

Long story short, if you need CPR, AED, First Aid, whatever, go with AHA. Less bullshit, more learn.
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